Difference

        From our last quarrel, he posted on his facebook status update as
 "sad i couldn't make a difference", to this day, every time i see it. I'm sadden, very very much. How could he think like that? I don't think he understands nor believes how much of an impact he has made in my life, "you are a difference" in so many ways.

       He took my hand and brought me back on my feet, he is part of my reason to keep fighting, he doesn't understand how badly I used to want to give up, even with my daughter, my depression got to the point where it didn't matter anymore, you just want to be selfish, make all the pain and agony disappear in literally, any possible way. Yes I've thought of suicide hundreds of times. But as of right now, my man, makes me want to be better, do better, show everyone that I wont give up, I'm not weak. If he really loves me, can he see that I want to be his woman? I want to strive for our happiness, I want to be perfect in every way, show him that I can be strong, independent, reliable, and lovable. I want to make him love me more, want me more, crave for me in every way. For my personality, for my love, for my reliablity, for everything.

       I wish he could see through my eyes, how his footsteps light my path, I want to follow him all the way, support him through all his obstacles, let him know that I am here waiting. You're never alone, I'm here now, and I've got you, Maykala will have a father to look up to. To be her super daddy. In my eyes, my man is completely amazing, always holding his chin up high, fighting, full filling his dreams, not afraid to chase after anything. Perhaps he really may be afraid, deep inside, but he will still try, and never give up. So smart, creative, daring. I have always admired him, since long ago, he'll never know. Haha, I remember, back in the days, I have always thought he was very very handsome. ^_^ And so smart and everything! I have always thought, til this day, that he's out of my league, and I'm sure he still is. That is why I'm always afraid of him leaving me, leaving me because I'm not good enough for him, because of my problems, my anger, I wonder if he has the patience for me to change, to wait for me to become better...?

        It's late, these are my thoughts for the moment, perhaps I will shed tears to bed tonight.

      

Rage

So, lately, and just now, me and my man been arguing quite frequently, and thats really dissapointing to us. We usually get along so well, we used to. We're pretty addicted to playing the game called League of Legends together, and lately, been getting mad over that, because apparently we depend on each other too much since we're both great players. We know what to expect, or know what each other is capable of. So when one of us messes up, we get angry. Well, just now, we talked it out. I'm feeling better now. Our goal is to stop getting angry, and learn to just enjoy the game more, thats what games are for anyways, right?

Sigh* to our dumb lovers quarrel. I adore him very much, no more fighting.

And i need to stop running away from any type of arguments, including small ones, listen to him more, and everything.

Okay, i feel better getting this off my chest.

As for the past week, i've been very disapointed on my school work, i have not been doing as much work as i should be, and i really dont want to use any excuses, but here it goes... =.="

Just, tons of stress, and my god, my period is still crazy, hormones still aren't back to normal yet from the birth control shot i took. I got my period twice this month already, stupidly. I also have not been working out as much as i would like to, i feel like i'm soo behind in Everything!! And that seriously upsets me. I want to do better, my motivation is still hard to adjust, but i'm really trying... Lets hope things get better for me next week. I will be getting my permit at then, and earn more credits, yeah?

mmm.. as for good news, not much, my daughter still isn't home yet, and i miss her like crazy, this will be the third week that i have yet to see my baby, but shes visiting family in another state right now, still. I did get new boots as a present, muk luks, thats good right? lols... bfs been super awsome. Thats about it. Love my hunnie, i want us to do better together, get along again. No more trouble. <3

Bye Bye Kookie

*sigh* yesterday, afternoon my pet bunny Kookie died. I'm not even sure how! This morning when i checked up on her, she was still okay. But i shouldve known that she was ill!! Its all my fault, i noticed that she wasn't eating as much the day before, but i didn't think much of it because i thought she just didnt want to while the dogs were around. What was I thinking?!? She usually eats either way! :(
I miss her so much, it was so sad to see her body life less and limp... I cried a lot yesterday, and cried myself to sleep again last night. This morning i woke up with puffy sore eyes, and my body just feels really tired.
I'm still a bit depressed, but theres nothing i can do. I wonder what even caused her death... Did she eat something wrong? I do let her roam all over the house as she pleases. She got lots of exercise and everything! T_T *sigh*
I really don't plan on getting anymore pets til I have my own home now, so nothings in the way, and the house is pet safe. I did realise though that kookies been getting to the dog food a lot, maybe she ate too much dog food? Or it gave her gas and she died from ilea? But I didnt hear her tummy being weird at all...
*shrugs hrug shrug* I'm soo soo sorry kookie that I didnt take good enough care of you!! I love you soo soo much. :(

Motivation!

I've been having a bad week since the previous weekend. Lots of crying and mood swings, moms been bothering me a lot and putting me down. I've been getting really depressed lately.

Til just yesterday, my hunnies always been there for me. I was constantly crying and told him "i wish to be with my brothers", they have all passed away and i felt like i've been left behind. I dont want to put up with my parents anymore. I just want to be happy. He sounded really upset, everytime i'm sad he is too, and asked me, "but dont you want to be with me?". It hit me, he's right, i want to be with him more than anything in the world. I want us to be happy together. 

Before we hung up, he repeatedly yelled. "I love you! I Love You! I LOVE YOU!", it put a smile on my face. I love him soo much, i dont want to make him upset over me anymore. I dont want him to worry. So i'm going to try harder to fight it. Learn to control my emotions, and just ignore my mother.

Wish me luck to be stronger, not just for me, but for my daughter and lover.

^_^

My New Routine & Visitor!

Yaaay, school started! Did i mention that before already? hehe. I'm so happy that i finally get to get out of the house for once! So now that school has started, i am trying to achieve my diploma ASAP. Been trying to go to school about 9 am mon - thurs til 8 pm. I know, I know, 10 hours?! Say Whaat?! Well, i just stay in the study room to get help with packets and there are no distractions, so i can finish quicker ^_^.

Afterwards monday, weds, and friday nights i work out for about an hour, and some weekends i will be hitting the gym. Need to get in shape for my lover. <3

He's so hot, i want to be too! For him that is. ^_^ Oh oh, and i am super super excited that i get to see my man one more time before he leaves to training. Yaay!

Okay, so for today, I got a visitor! My cousins sisters new puppy, a maltese, they still havn't named her, but their parents are visiting so i'll be baby sitting this little bugger for a while.

She's so cute and quite active, reminds me of Lilo when she was pup, except this little girl is white. 

By the way, i love my boyfriend so much. He's been making me unbelievably happy, i'm so lucky to have met such a wonderful man, that i'm so compatible with. I never thought i'd meet someone that shares so much in common with me and none the less, he actually tries to keep our relationship working.

Its absolutely unbelievable how much he loves me, constantly spoiling me with his love and attention, and already acts as my daughters daddy ^_^. I can't wait for our future together, i really do see us working out and staying together...

Hunnie i love you so much. Thank you for everything.

Anyways here are photos of the little pup!